8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
