I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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