I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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