And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
