I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
