Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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