I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
