he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
