I could make wine with my vomit
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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