so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
