My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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