drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
