On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
