My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
