i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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