i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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