I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
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