I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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