just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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