I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
