i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
