I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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