Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
