There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
