after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
did i just pee glitter
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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