Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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