I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
