Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
