Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
