So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
