Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
