Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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