I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Thank you for not boning my boss.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
