Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
