I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
