Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
