the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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