In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
