I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
