I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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