new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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