that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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