I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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