I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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