I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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