My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We left the knife in your bed.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
