I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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