wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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