I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
