so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
